I Wish on a Star
by Moro-moro
Summary: How high is the highest star? How deep is the snow? I wish for you to find happiness. I only wish it would be with me. On a tour across a world that is different from the sameness of Tokyo, who will shine the brightest? RyuxShu, YukixShu
1. Chapter 1: Starfall

_**A/N: This is a cute little** **story I just thought of on the dot. I thought it was a cute RyuxShu plot, so I made it so. I think Ryu is the I, and Shu is the one he's in love with. I didn't think about that when I wrote it. Please Review!**_

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_On dark nights, who will hold me close? Who will whisper words of love? Are you out there, waiting for me to wish for you to fall out of the sky? Come find me, for it seems that I am all alone in this world. I wish on a shooting star..._

The night sparkled. The velvet sky draped across the night of Japan, lighting the world with luminescent glitterings of universes far from reach. Each small rip in the fabric of space glowed so brightly that it almost hurt; it was so beautiful that it did hurt. The beauty of the sky, so far from reach...

Still, I lift my hands, longing to touch eternity. I imagine that if I reach far enough, I can close my hands around the brightest star. It would be no larger than my hand, and I would take it into myself, so I could shine as bright as the one I love. I would never take it out for anyone, just my love. I would hand it to him, my star; my heart; my everything; for him to take as my promise to him.

The incessant beauty of everything never ceases to strike me. In the city, everything sparkles artificially; everything is masked in lies and dishonor. People kill, people steal, people hate, and it sucks away everything beautiful, leaving everyone drained, and lifeless. I too, was sucked of color in that dull, fake world. Grey was all that I saw, heard, tasted, and touched. Long had my pining for color had left. I was a zombie, rendered so by the mendacity of life.

I too, was a lie of the world. I was looked up to, as inspiration, as someone to aspire to. In truth, I was no different. I am not beautiful, and I cannot escape this world. I am trapped, more so than others, because this world swathes my being. I was created by this world, and I as I know myself, will not live on if this world abandons me. I want to live like my love.

He can sparkle, even though around him is dirty and dull. He seems to brighten up everything, wherever he goes. Even myself. I am drawn to him, like many others. This world tries to envelope him in its dull, alluring ways… it never does. On he shines, oblivious to the fact that he is the only one who has escaped. He does not see the bad in anyone, and sometimes, he is sickeningly optimistic. But that is who he is.

I close my hands and let them fall into the sand, tears cascading slowly down my cheeks. I cannot touch the star I want. It is too high, too far, too bright, too lovely… too pure. Never will I be able to transcend the heavens to where he stands, to where the brightest star shines.

A crab scurries across the turf, only to be snatched up by a lone bird. Even though he lives above the world of the city, he can still be hurt. When I see him cry, it breaks my heart. The one he sees as shining is tattered and worn and dirty. I have told him that, and he smiles through his tears, and says 'He's like a diamond. He's a bit rough now, but, one day, he will shine!'

I bite my lip softly. I hear my name being called by the one I love.

A shooting star catches my eye. It is beautiful. Large and round, with a fiery tail… It is falling from its place in the heavens, falling into the arms of the world.

"There you are," his voice comes. He walks up, smiling. His dazzling smile falters as he sees the remains of tears on my cheeks. He brushes his hair out of his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Quickly, I wish on the falling star. "Yes."

"What are you doing out here? You just left after the concert, and I was worried," he mumbles, kneeling next to me in the sand. Softly, he takes his slim fingers and dries my tears with the utmost care.

"I came… because it's beautiful out here," I whisper; this is the truth. I love the beauty of far away places. Places in the world that have not yet been touched and tainted by the lies of the city.

He lies down next to me, cuddling against my side. "You say some odd things, but that makes sense…Just do tell me when you're going star gazing!"

I pull him close, kissing his forehead tenderly. I always wish for the same thing on falling stars; that my own would come to me.

No, I can never reach far enough, or climb high enough to reach my star… But sometimes, stars fall to earth and into the arms of those who love them most.


	2. Chapter 2: Snowfall

**_A/N: I've been told several times by friends and readers on another website, Gaiaonline, to continue this story, because it has potiential. I agreed, and I also wanted very badly to do a story from Ryuichi's point of veiw. So, I've continued it. I don't have a specific plot, except that Ryu and Shu are on a tour together around the world, and Ryuichi constantly sneaks off to think in beautiful (and not so beautiful) places, and this is where we catch our stories. The one thing I do know, is that this story is dedicated to_** supershu-chan**_, who's story_** "Butterfly Tears" _**inspired me to actually write something like this in the first place!**_

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_Snow is a sign of purity, and of death. Will you lie with me and die? Death is the only way to escape our lives in the light; we will be reborn with the sun as new beings, joined forever by the end of our old lives and the birth of new ones. _

I'm cold again. Snow falls onto my face. Where am I again? Hokkaido… maybe. Somewhere where it snows and glitters.

Stretching my arms out from my body, lifting my head up, drinking in the grey watered moonlight of a snowy night. Flakes cover my long eyelashes, turning them frosty white. I open my mouth, water trickles through my teeth and over my mouth, coating my red hot throat with cool liquid.

I shout, I scream. It echoes through the night, the reverberant sound muffled by the soft mufflings of snow. I'll give you back, because you don't belong to me. I scream harder, until I have no breath left in the silent night.

Oh, sing to me…

Snow is so pure, so fresh, so white and clean. I want to bathe in it.

I fall backwards, the thick coverings of the world cushioning my otherwise jarring fall.

I roll helplessly around in it, marring its cool, clean surface.

I hate the snow! It covers everything and makes it beautiful!

It continues the pretense that everything will be alright in the end, when it won't. It never glitters, it never glows. It mars and ruins the glittering people of this world. It is worse than city lights and temptations. With its wonderful whiteness, it leeches people's perceptions, and makes all beautiful.

This is why I love it, despite my loathing of false pretenses of the world. If I seem just a bit more beautiful, a bit more sparkling… Maybe, my star will forget those who hurt his heart.

Clouds have come and covered his eyes, showering his heart with their snow. He appears the same, but underneath the ice of his heart… He is sad.

He has been tainted with the world. I wish he had never fallen to earth. As much as I longed for it, I was too far away when he fell. I missed him.

He has had a fight with the one that he loves. I heard it. Right before we boarded the train for this snow covered place. I can tell that he is sad.

I hurt. I lay facedown in snow, my fingers grasping and pounding into the ground in a silent tantrum. I want him to be happy. To have his face sparkle and glitter with laughter, not tears reflected in the sun!

Even in the club tonight, he was sad. With people laughing and dancing and listening to him sing, he was sad. I could see it. He didn't sparkle anymore. It was artificial, coming from the lights behind him and the snow that was falling thickly against the windows.

It makes me so infinitely sad. I cry into the snow, melting it. It freezes again, a layer of ice cushioning my face.

It's not fair. Not fair at all.

But what is fair but a feeling of discontent? Where is my basis of comparison? Fair is not something that they teach in school, because… no matter how much we wish and we cry, life … Life is never fair.

A sob escapes my lips and I sit, staring up at the sky. Snow is falling harder now, and I am aware of how cold I am in my tee-shirt and flannel over shirt.

I don't care. I want to sit out here and let the false beauty sink into my skin. The pureness of death. I want to die and be reborn as someone he can love.

Again, for maybe the hundredth time tonight, I hear his voice calling out. It is sweet. There is a tinge of sadness that lingers in the air and tinges my taste.

I raise my hand feebly. He rushes over and drapes himself against me.

"You disappeared again!" he scolded, scowling up at me. "Without your jacket too. You're going to get sick."

I laugh. Even sad, he makes me smile. "I'm okay," I assure him softly. "I won't get sick."

He looks up at me sadly. His large eyes fill with tears, and he begins to cry against my chest. "I don't want you to leave me too, l-like he did," he whimpered.

He's talking about that man. I hug his small, warm body to mine, rocking him gently. "Forget about him," I plead to my star. He fell into the wrong arms, I was who you were meant for, right?

He shakes his head. "But I love him so much!"

"And I love you much more!" I finally said it.

He looks up at me with wide, disbelieving eyes. After a long while, he smiled. "For serious?" he whispered.

I nod. He snuggles against me, warming my cold body.

We sit and watch the snow fall, killing our old lives with, suffocating us with its bleach blank whiteness. We are then reborn, pure and untouched by the staining color of the world.

Together, we are of this world, and then we are dead. Together, we are stainless, and then we are reborn.


	3. Chapter 3: Heat

**_A/N: So, I've never been to Las Vegas; the closest I've come is CSI. :laughs nervously: So, no offense to anyone at all; it just seemed like a good place for Ryu to not like…He doesn't seem like a gambler, y'know? Also, he doesn't seem the type to drink alcohol, but it's Vegas, so why not try some watermelon margaritas? So, um… next chapter, I think should be in… Either New York or Atlanta, but I'm leaning towards Atlanta. Then we go on to Europe... But now I have an idea of what I want to do with this story, so it should be easier to write these. Sorry that this one took so long! So, read and review so I'll feel like getting my butt in gear! (Oh, and the purple-haired bartender is me writing in a friend of mine.) _**

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**Chapter Three: Heat**

_Words, bodies, and glances…their heat burns straight to the soul. _

It's hot. Hot in a way that is unbearable. It burns through your clothes and into the skin, boring straight to the bone.

The air is smudgy. Smog and exhaust from the many cars that litter the town smudges out the air and turns the azure sky into a smeared blue-grey.

It is hard to breathe.

I close my eyes as a breeze graces the air, blowing it clear. I imagine the sound of the ocean from the fountain; the smell comes into my nostrils, the phantom lingering of a better, purer place.

I open my eyes and once more the air is littered with laughter, shouts, and the jingling of gambling. The air smells heavy of cigarettes, booze, disappointment, cars, and sex.

I am disgusted with this place in America.

It was far prettier in the pictures, Las Vegas…

I may have been happier if it wasn't for the heat. I may have been happier if it wasn't for that novelist. I may've, I may've, and I may've. The mantra repeats in my head like I am a spoilt child.

I sigh softly. I am hot; sweat drips down my skin, making me feel sticky and dirty, but I do not wish to go back inside.

I will endure this, because I cannot endure inside.

I walk to a nearby fountain, digging through my littered pockets for change. It is in Yen, but… A wish should be a wish…

I toss it in, closing my eyes, wishing for something I know will not happen.

I have been abandoned again. But I do not mind, because he is happy.

I sit, the superheated cement scorching through my jeans.

I want to curl up and cry, my tears evaporating in the sun so I will not be shamed. I want a hug more than anything, and with that thought, I realize that I have left something important at home.

I am becoming so forgetful… I am forgetting my heart from before, and I do not want this. I want to stay naïve and trusting forever. I do not like this heat burning away at my trust in this dirty, filthy world.

So I cry. Softly, gently, like my breaking heart.

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(flashback)

_We're sitting on the stage, chatting softly. He's grinning like always, cute and warmly. He says that he likes this place of lights and sounds, money and sex, but I don't have the heart to disagree. It has melted and flown away in ecstasy._

_I feel that I have won him over, finally, finally… _

_And then, his phone rings. _

_For a long moment, he's staring at his phone bemusedly. Finally, he answers. He answers… _

_His eyes are lighting up like stars, more than the happy sheen he has when he was talking to me only seconds before. _

_A name escapes his lips. I hate that name. I loathe it. I am probably the only person in the world that dislikes that name. _

_He is rocking happily back and forth, energy exploding through his body, and talking faster than I have ever heard anyone talk, he hops up and walks away. Without a word of goodbye, or an 'excuse me'. _

_My heart breaks into storms of hate and jealousy. That man, how can he be better than I? He must be, for that is who was chosen for the star of my life. _

_I start comparing things in my head. Thousands of people call me a god, worship my body and my voice. But thousands of people worship his face and his words. There, we are evenly matched. I am sure that the same purple-haired bartender would have squealed over him like she me did this morning._

_I am nicer, that is for sure. _

_In my mind, I am winning. In his… I have lost. _

_But the worst insult of all is that Shuichi never came back to our rehearsal._

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I am greeted by a warm grin, washing over my hot face and heart like ice. Blood flushes my face, the toxicity of this town flowing in my veins. 

Powered by the poison, I ignore him.

His smile falls off his face.

I act indifferent, falling heavily onto the sheets, plugging in my headphones.

"Sakuma-san," he whispers, sitting on the side of my bed.

I can hear him over the music. I haven't the heart to turn up the volume, so I tug out the earbuds. "Yes," I mumble, my voice heavy and slow.

I think he knows that I'm drunk now.

"I'm sorry," he says, shaking his head. "But I…"

I know what he is saying, but it doesn't process. "He's better than me, I understand," I murmur. Thank god that I am not drunk enough to not speak. I want to talk; I want to tell him… but most of all, I want to show him. So I do.

If I am to die by the lies and fake beauty of this world, I shall live by it as well, so I reach out and grab his face.

And I kiss him with the heat that seared my soul earlier today.


	4. Chapter 4: Tears

**_A/N: Whoo… hard chapter. Well, they're all sort of a challenge, but this one. I didn't want to change the rating, so, I had to edit A LOT. And then there is the nightmare we call 'higher education', so it took a long time; I AM SO SORRY! This chapter was written to Shining Collection and Sleepless Beauty. (I just love Nittle Grasper…) He never really mentions it much, but they're in (insert a city that rains a lot :is too lazy to look one up, and too tired to remember: ), the actual scenery-based, population-based story will go back to format soonish, maybe next chapter. I'm debating having Yuki actually come into the story, but I don't think I can pull off a three person scene in POV format… I don't have that kind of editing patience. And POV's are a nightmare when typing at three in the morning._

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**Chapter Four: Tears**

Rain is the only noise in this silent hotel room. You have gone away, gone far, far away. And now I am alone, and…

I am tired of this silence that plagues me.

"_Shuichi," I whisper softly, gently touching his shoulder. _

_He flinches away, biting his lip. He ignores me, instead, turning his gaze to Hiroshi, laughing loud, large, and fake. _

I am tired of watching you cry.

_I am afraid to look around the door. But I do anyway. _

_Shuichi is crying, holding his cell phone tightly, the message on the screen displaying: "Ignored Call-- Eiri Yuki". Is it he who ignored you, or you who ignored him, Shu-chan? _

_Even so, I am the cause for the tears, and I am sorry. _

I am tired of being apathetic to this.

Slowly, quietly, I pull the familiar pink plush to my face, letting my companion soak in this substance that his synthetic fur has never felt before.

Kumagoro is truly the only one that loves me now.

My fingers pluck at the red bow tie, the cloth so familiar, yet so foreign to my fingers. In a life that seems so distant, I have felt this material, I am sure. I can feel the residual happiness and naivety soaked into the tie, into the plush, into the very seams of my rabbit friend.

I am so sorry for leaving you behind. You truly are there for me, Kuma-chan.

I hug him close, feeling despair close to taking my entire body.

What have I done? What have I done?

I lean closer to the window; I am crying and the world is crying.

Slowly, I stand. I reach out my hesitant hand, and I open the balcony door.

I stand, letting this downpour soak my clothes, wetting me deep to the bone.

Rain… Rain… Rain!

It washes away the dirt and grime of the city, making everything shiny again. Will it make me shiny again? Like him? NO… no, no, no! He's not shining anymore!

He's dead and gone, my star, my love, I tarnished him! I turned him into the poisoned sickness of this earth, and he is dirtied and broken beyond what I can fix.

Oh god, oh god…

Will this rain be able to wash away my sin?

_I push him down, crushing his lips with my own. He tries to cry out, and his teeth cut into the flesh of my mouth. Blood fills our mouths, fueling my hatred and passion with it's acrid taste. _

_I trap his hands in my own, pinning him down by the wrists. He struggles, and I hear the popping of joints. I pull away, blood and saliva making a light pink, wet trail from his mouth. I gently shush him, lapping away the remnants of the violent kiss._

_He keeps whimpering and sobbing. 'Don't you like it, Shu-chan?' I ask lucidly. The heat is deceiving me, making me think that he feels the same, and only fuels my horrible desires. The alcohol is wearing thin, and I must finish what I have started. _

_I continue forward, pressing down into him. I will show him just how much I love him, and he will love me in return. _

_He will. He must. He has too. _

_Because I showed him. _

Rain outside, rain inside. It's falling within him, and myself.

I hear the door open, and I look up.

Shuichi starts skittishly; he hadn't realized I was here.

I open my mouth, and I am crying again.

"I'm so sorry; I'm sorry, please, please forgive me. Please, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Don't leave me alone, please."

"…I... I'm sorry, but... It's Yuki that I'm in love with…"


	5. Chapter 5: Ice Cold

**_A/N: Oh, dear lord, I forgot about this story. Between the soap opera of my life that almost put me in therapy and my four on-going stories, this story got put in the back burner! So, if I apologize copiously and give you this new chapter, will you guys forgive me? (Of course, lots of you will hate me for this chapter, but it came to me, and wouldn't shut up, and so…) Anyway, this chapter was written to "Let Go" by Frou Frou, and edited to "Predilection" by… Um… Nittle Grasper??? But the latter will appear in the story, so go check the song out! _**

**_And, I think I just gave my city a bad rap. Man, I didn't mean it :crys: I love Atlanta, it's a beautiful place. I love it. I'm sorry, fellow Atlanta-dwellers! (I live there, so, I guess it will be alright???!)_**

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**Chapter Five: Ice Cold**

"_I love Yuki, not you…" _

_I freeze, trembling. _

"_But I doubt he'd even take me back." _

_Suddenly, my trembling comes to a crashing halt. I stare, and I realize that Shuichi is shuddering, almost seizure-like. Tears are boiling in his eyes, and his fingers are digging deep track-marks into his bare arms. _

"_After all, you basically raped me." _

I trudge silently down the hall, socks padding against the somewhat oily carpet of the hallway. Tentatively, I knock on Tohma's door, pressing Kumagoro tight to my chest.

He opens the door, and I collapse against him.

"Ryu-san? Wha--?" The blonde keyboardist is surprised; I don't blame him. I've never been more than the childish idiot, or the musical genius around him.

I give a half-hearted grin, hoping to fool him, but I know it's too late. "Na no da, I want to spend the night with you, Tohma!"

Tohma frowns, looking halfway between surprised and confused. "…Can't bear rooming with Shindou, can you?" he asks, letting me plod into the room he's sharing with his cousin, the green-haired keyboardist from Bad Luck.

"I… no," I whisper.

He pats my back comfortingly. "Go for a walk," he murmurs, "I'll get your stuff from your old room."

I nod, and slowly leave the floor that has been reserved especially for us. I have on a jacket and a hat, and no one notices me. I guess since I'm no longer sparkly, I cannot be picked out easily.

I ease down the streets, avoiding the people that litter the streets in their sleep. I cross the road at the library, large and sandstone-colored. I went in it yesterday, seeking an escape, and I ended up in the tin-lined auditorium, watching high-school kids debate about their social issues. It was amusing, and I didn't see Shuichi the entire day.

Now I cross the road and come up in front of a large building that has carvings in its light brown marble; lions and vines, and I see, in the night, that it's an old building. I look back at the library, and down the street a donut shop gleams warmly. I almost consider doubling back and going in, wondering if some coffee would help me with my thoughts; it would most certainly be warmer. To myself, I shake my head; no, cold is good, and numb is better.

Slowly, I make my way down to a place that proclaims itself as the spot for the 1996 Olympics, and its gardens are light festively with lights for Christmas. I skirt this brightly lit park, and I find myself in a bar. This way, I can speed up the numb.

Quietly, I sit myself down, and order as many drinks as it will take to drown myself. I later become sickeningly drunk, then decide to go back to the hotel and I leave.

As I walk, I have the vague feeling that I'm being followed. Soon enough, I find that I am.

Ice cold hands grab me from behind, and drag me down…

_And I don't care.

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_

It's late my clothes are torn I'm cold I'm bleeding I'm numb I don't care I don't care I can barely string a thought together Tohma is worried he's calling the police he seems to know I can't think I feel sick I hurt I'm cold I find myself throwing up once I'm done I get guided to the hallway where there are police officers they ask me questions I tell them I don't care they look at me oddly they ask me if I'm rolling or if I'm stoned I tell them I was at a bar because I don't know what they mean they nod softly I tell them that I hurt so I wanted it to stop and they are understanding because I didn't break any laws the laws got broken on me I tell them that I deserved it out of the corner of my eye I see pink and I begin to cry for the first time that night….

I grab the lady police officer's shoulders, almost falling down. I cry against her shoulder, clarity calling my brain for the first time that night.

"I deserved it. I need to be arrested. I did the same thing to someone else. I… I need to be locked up; I'm a horrible person, ma'am. Please arrest me, I deserved it… I hurt someone badly," I tell her, looking up into her confused brown eyes. She's Japanese too, ha, that's why she can understand me… My thin fingers, scratched up from hitting the concrete so hard earlier, grasp her blue denim uniform.

"I needed to be raped," I tell her, my world crashing totally around my feet. "I needed it…"

The mendacity of this world finally crashed upon me, I couldn't climb high enough to get away. All my sparkles have been taken away, ripped away the moment I infringed upon his. I became so strikingly human the moment I decided he didn't understand my love that I poisoned the small bit of innocence that that boy had left. I made him cry, I hurt him, and I caused the one thing that gave him joy to leave… I… I…

And for the first time since it rained, a small voice spoke up, the wavering sadness of it holding up the last few cracked pieces of my world.

"No one deserves that, Sakuma-san…" Shuichi says. He strides forward, and gently pries me off of the police officer, taking me against his thin body, holding me close despite our differences in height. I can hear his heart beat, and I can feel his warmth; what did I do to earn this?! "**He must still be drunk, ma'am.**"

I realize that he's speaking in perfect English. I didn't know that he knew English.

Suddenly, I can feel myself fading away, and then I pass out.


	6. Chapter 6: Skyline

**A/N:** _Well! I've FINALLY developed a plot for this stupid thing. Sorry, I just… really… loathe this story sometimes…: signs sadly: It's SO hard to write sometimes. I have to keep it descriptive and philosophical and beautiful at the same time. It's way beyond my capabilities… But I know where I'll be taking this train, and so those of you with tickets come along! BTW…He's on the London Eye. I've never really been to England, so… eheh… Damn… this chapter took so long. Sorrrrrrrrrrrry..._

_The song is "PREDILECTION" from… somewhere… in Gravitation, the Vocal Collection, I think?! Anyway, it's by Kappei Yamaguchi. And "Hate Me" by Blue October. (Even though I've rearranged the lyrics to fit Ryu, but, hell, it's still by Blue October.) It's such an angsty song, but… I think it's fitting for this particular chapter, because our poor little Ryu is angsting. Just don't go listening to it, because then it doesn't mean the same thing! -laughs-_

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**Chapter Six: Skyline**

Head in my hands, I sit and think. A faint knocking comes on the glass, and I shake my head at the operator. I don't want to get off at the moment.

I sneak a glance at my watch. Its two hours before the joint concert here. I can spare some time before K comes to get me. Even though I have the feeling he's around watching me anyway… It will most definitely be an hour before he lets me know he's here.

I feel the wheel slowly start again, and I tilt my head against the cool glass. The ground starts to fall away and my booth is lifted into the air.

My eyes slide shut, and I am taken away.

_I open my eyes and I am blinded by the sudden appearance of this white. I look around and I suddenly realize where I am. Someone has taken me to a hospital. I sigh, long and slow… Then I realize; there's someone next to me on the bed. I start flinching away from the warm body, and then my eyes catch the shock. _

_Shuichi is next to me, sleeping. _

I peek out from under my bangs, and I stare down at the river winding its way through the city. I want to jump in it; I want to swim in the cold abrasive waters of winter. Maybe that will cleanse me of it all. All my guilt. All my thoughts. I just want to stop this sinful cycle. I hate it.

_Slowly, I reach out and run my fingertips down his face, feeling his cool soft skin. My fingers brush against his hair, smoothing the pink locks away from his cheeks. _

_He begins to wake at this attention, and I yank my hand away, my eyes finding the floor. _

_I can feel his gaze on me, and it burns. I look up and his large violet eyes are filled with something I have never seen him even try to convey. _

_Pity. Shame. _

_But something old is in the mix; something I never thought would be directed at me… _

_Love… Longing…The broken shine of someone whose heart is reaching…_

I can't forget that look… It doesn't belong on his face. His eyes were clouded with pain and pity and shame for what he's done, and what's been done to him, as well as what I've done, and what's been done to me. I can't bear to see him like that! I… I don't deserve it one bit.

And after it all, I don't want him to love me… because he deserves far better… Much, much, much better than me… It's Eiri Yuki he deserves. Not me. Not broken, beaten, tarnished, sinful me.

_I look away from him. All is silent for a moment, then I hear the shifting of hospital sheets. I close my eyes. _

_The next moment, Shuichi is sitting on my lap, his hands resting gently on my cheeks. "Look at me," he whispered. _

_Childishly, I closed my eyes even tighter. _

"_Ryuichi-san," he murmured, pressing his forehead to mine. _

_My eyes open in shock, and my startled eyes find Shuichi's purple ones far too close. Tears spark and stream down my cheeks. _

_Shuichi sighs softly, his warm breath tickling my cheeks and smelling like sweet peppermint. "It's alright, Ryuichi-san. You're alright," he said softly, his soft hands traveling across my shoulders to pull me into a tight hug. "You're alright, and I am too." _

_I shake my head. "Don't you hate me…?" _

I stare out at the skyline. I had finally won his love… but at what cost? His happiness? I know that he would choose Eiri Yuki over me, so was I a second choice? The rebound…?

Whatever I am, I'm so happy I could soar; but I'm saddened to the point of breaking.

"_No… I don't hate you," Shuichi said, a laugh coloring his tone. "Quite the opposite." _

"_But I…" _

"_I know… And I know you're sorry… and I enjoy being around you, and…" _

"_You said—"_

_He makes a face, scrunching his nose cutely. "I know what I said. I thought it over… and Yuki's no good." _

_I shake my head, disbelieving. "Shuichi," I warn. _

_The boy sighs, and lays his lips against mine. He kisses me for a long time, and it would be a lie to say that I didn't kiss him back. _

_It would be a lie to say that I didn't want him; therefore, it would be a lie to say that I didn't take him. _

_It would also be lying to say that I'm inestimably guilty…_

_**But he chose me…**_

_**For that night. How will I know that he'll continue to choose me?**_

I'll take that choice away from him, so he won't have to choose between us. I think that I'll disappear…

**I'll run away from it all.**

* * *

I sing sadly into the microphone, putting my all into what may be my last performance. Ever. I decide to end with the two songs I feel close to at the moment, one old, one new.

"_I have to block out thoughts of you, _

_So I don't loose my head; _

_They crawl in like a cockroach…_

_Dropping little reels of tape, _

_To remind me that I'm alone…_

_There's a burning in my pride; _

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you…_

_Will you never try to reach me?_

_It is I that wanted space…_

_Hate me today; hate me tomorrow,_

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you!_

…_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you!_

_I'm sober now for three whole months,_

_It's one accomplishment that you've helped me with…_

_So I'll drive so fucking far away _

_That I never cross your mind!_

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind!_

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave;_

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made. _

_Like a baby boy, I never was a man; _

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry…_

_And I held your face in my hands, _

_And I fell down yelling, _

"_Make it go away! _

_Just make a smile come back and _

_Shine_

_Just like it used to be!"_

_And then she whispered,_

"_How could you do this to me?" _

…_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you." _

The crowd cheered for me and my friends, and I wave. "Thank you," I say softly. "This is our last song for tonight. Balance out the new with the old!"

"_**Tatoeba kimi wo kizutsuketai **_

_**Jiorama ni tojikomete **_

_**Tataitemita tte sakendetemo **_

_**Kikoenai sa Predilection **_

_(For example, I want to hurt you;_

_Trap you in a diorama_

_Though you shout "I tried hitting it!"_

_I can't hear: Predilection)_

_**Iki mo dekinai **_

_**Joukyou shita de wa **_

_**Sugureta ai wo musaboru **_

_(I can't even breathe_

_Underneath the circumstances_

_I still desire a wonderful love)_

_**Can't get enough: kotoba yori mo motto **_

_**Don't let me down: tashika ni misete hoshii **_

_**One more night: kusuka ni kizutsuita **_

_**Kimi wo mitsumeru me sono saki ni **_

_(Can't get enough: More than words, I want_

_Don't let me down: To show you more surely_

_One more night: The eyes that watch_

_You, who is faintly wounded, from that point)_

_**Can't get enough: utsukushii mayonaka **_

_**Don't let me down: hashiritsuzukete mo mata **_

_**One more night: nigerenai no wa dare **_

_**Kizukitaku mo nai sono shinjitsu **_

_(Can't get enough: In the beautiful midnight,_

_Don't let me down: I continue running,_

_One more night: Who's the one who can't escape_

_The truth that I don't even want to realize?)_

_**Can't get enough, **_

_**Don't let me down,**_

_**One more night…**__"_

I inwardly laugh, thinking how appropriate this song is. It's funny sometimes… Our part of the concert ends, met with a cacophony of cheers.

I bow, then disappear backstage. Shuichi bounces onstage, smiling widely at me as we pass.

I don't return his smile; I don't even wave.

Darkness, soft and deep… So different from the glamour of this world, darkness is what happens when you turn your heart away from the light of the world that sparkles ephemerally.

And I leave my star to soar back into the sky, shining for forever. Hopefully he'll be wished away by the one who he loves truly, and shine in this world once more.

…But until then… I will vanish…


End file.
